Nighttime Harmony

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Nighttime Harmony

Rachel Rainbolt, M.A., CEIM
www.OhanaWellness.com

It’s 3:00am and while the rest of the world is in a peaceful slumber you are… not. You are up, half dressed, pacing vigorously up and down the hallway with a crying baby in your arms. Your hair is in your eyes, which are bloodshot, dry, and burning. As your body aches with fatigue and your nipples throb, your heart aches more for the sadness pouring out of this little extension of yourself. You are hearing all of those advice-givers in your head telling you that, “You will spoil him if you hold him too much.” “If you don’t leave him in his crib, he will never learn to sleep through the night.” “If you pick him up every time he cries he will only cry more.” You are just reaching a new level of desperation in your fatigue when your pacing lands you in the doorway to your bedroom. Your eyes fall on your partner who is in perfect sync with the rest of the world, sleeping peacefully. That’s it. You put the baby alarm right in front of his face and say, “Your turn!” as you walk out of the room for a breather.

I am going to give you the secret to sleeping through the night: don’t have a baby! Parenting is a 24-hour job. Their needs don’t stop just because the sun goes down. We’ve all been there. yawn Everyone who has ever had a baby has been there. And in our zeal to be the best parent we can be, combined with the exhaustion a new mother faces, we try to impose all these ideas of what nighttime should be on ourselves: the pictures of a baby sleeping soundly in a perfectly designed crib in a perfectly outfitted nursery, your mother-in-law telling you the only way to get any sleep is to let her “cry it out,” maybe even your pediatrician warning you that whatever you do- don’t bring baby in to your bed. It is so important to enter parenthood and approach nighttime with appropriate expectations. And I’m sorry if I’m the one breaking it to you but newborns are not supposed to sleep through the night.

Babies wake during the night for a reason. Many of the reasons are evolutionary defense mechanisms that serve as protective factors for baby. You may not always be able to figure out the reasons your baby is waking but you should respect them. It is suspected that one potential cause of infant death from SIDS is not waking when the body signals something is wrong. Your baby is not waking during the night out of a manipulative and sadistic plot to destroy your life and breakdown your sanity. There are some common reasons for night waking and some preventative measures you can take to set your child up for success, maximizing the amount of sleep that is safe and healthy for your baby.

So what’s wrong with these adorable little poop machines? Why don’t they sleep at night? I’m sorry to have to say this but it’s partly mom’s fault. Throughout 9 months of pregnancy, baby comes into existence and consciousness under these circumstances: rocked and swayed and soothed with voices all day, still, quiet and bored all night. Mom is up moving, walking, turning and talking all day long. It’s like rocking baby in a rocking chair while singing a lullaby. Then nighttime rolls around and mom lays still and silent in bed. Most mothers will attest to the fact that by the end of pregnancy, sleep is nearly impossible because come night time, baby is bouncing all around in there, wide awake. Starting out your nighttime relationship under these circumstances puts you at a disadvantage, having to rewrite your baby’s internal sleep clock. The best and fastest way to accomplish this is to keep your day and night cues consistent. During the day the blinds are open (the sun is the body’s most valuable cue) even and especially during naps, voices are standard volume, wear baby in the sling so he is safely exposed to movement, interaction, and gentle stimulation. During the night blinds are closed, lights are off (a reading light or a television with a night dimmer can come in handy), movement is slow and rhythmic, voices are low and calm, and stimulation limited.

A baby is born with a couple pressing tasks. The first is to sucker grown-ups into a euphoric state of love assuring they will meet your needs (attachment). The process of attachment (primary emotional, psychological, and social developmental task at birth) is so important that it cannot take half the day off (12 -20 hours is the amount of sleep a newborn needs). One of the very common reasons for waking during the night involves hormone levels and brain chemicals. This is such a valuable one to understand because it is so common, almost impossible for parents to detect, and one for which there is much you can do to help. Within our brains we all have the “feel good” chemical hormones serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin. These hormone levels are raised by bonding interaction like touch, breastfeeding, closeness, etc. There is a natural balance of these “feel good” hormones with “stress” hormones like cortisol. Cortisol is produced when a baby is alone, crying, hungry, etc. (long term studies on cortisol and infant brain development tell us that babies with higher levels of cortisol have significantly negatively impacted brain development resulting in negative outcomes like lower IQ and emotional regulation compared to their more positively in balance infant counterparts). When the levels of the “feel good” chemical hormones dip below a certain level, the baby’s brain emerges from the sleep cycle and alerts the body that the baby is not safely being cared for. For infants, safety is instinctually defined by how directly invested the caregiver is at every moment because for an infant, neglect can be the difference between life and death. They wake, reengage their caregiver, demand attachment promoting behaviors that simultaneous reinvest that caregiver and raise the levels of all those “feel good” hormone chemicals in their brains.

Understanding this cause of night waking from within the appropriate context allows you to see that there is a reason for the waking that should be respected but luckily there are many strategies for raising those “feel good” hormone chemical levels to their max, maximizing the amount of time they can sleep before they need a love refill. Infant massage is a particularly effective strategy because it is like a supercharge of attachment promoting behavior. During infant massage you are lovingly stroking your baby’s entire body, making eye contact, baby can feel your breath, hear your heartbeat, smell your essence, you are relaxing both yourself and your baby, soothing any discomforts from the day and sending her off to slumber with peak levels. Warm baths with baby are also an effective strategy. Tons of skin-to-skin contact, milk access, gentle touch, and warm water reminiscent of the womb are all powerful “feel good” hormone chemical raisers. You can even combine the two, employing infant massage strokes as you wash your baby with his soap. The Cosleeping easiest strategy for keeping those levels up and preventing waking is to put baby to sleep near you. When he can smell you (one study found that a newborn could identify his mother in a line up by smell alone), feel your breath, hear your heartbeat, see you, and/or touch you, his chemical hormone levels are being fed while you are sleeping. It doesn’t get much better or easier than passive nurturing and this arrangement frequently has the added benefit of more restful sleep for mom.

Breastfeeding is of course one of the most potent strategies and in addition to the attachment promoting benefit fills their bellies and increases saliva production which aides in nighttime digestion and brain development. Cluster feeding (where baby nurses on and off for a stretch of a few hours) is something babies do naturally that should be encouraged as it provides parents with that valuable stretch of non-breastfeeding time that inevitably follows. This leads us to the second task: gain weight. Even gaining weight (primary physical developmental task at birth) is tied in to attachment. To really thrive and put on those healthy rolls a newborn needs to eat every 2-(max) 4 hours. This is because babies have tiny stomachs. They can only hold and digest a few ounces as newborns. So you fill them to the brim, and then a couple hours later they are again on E, ready for more. Stretching the time between feedings doesn’t expand the size of their stomachs; it just forces them to sit longer in a state of hunger. Needing to eat is not a behavioral issue, it is a physical one. As much as your baby loves you and wants you to be rested, she cannot change her capacity to digest. As she grows, her stomach grows, and so will the time between feedings. Feeding on cue all day and feeding baby well her last feeding of the evening can stack all the cards in your favor. Another great tip is to feed baby again when you are ready to go to bed/sleep. Babies usually have one long stretch of sleep during the night. Feeding baby when you are ready to go to sleep will help to align this sleep cycle with yours. You should also consider sleeping close to baby. In addition to being the safest sleep arrangement, sleeping near baby makes nighttime feedings easier.

The heart and poor blood circulation is another cause of night waking. It is common knowledge among parents that baby’s feet and hands get cold while they sleep. While ensuring proper room temp and dress is always a good idea, the most likely culprit is that the heart is not pumping enough blood to circulate to the hands and feet. This results in cold hands and feet but for your baby, they are also crampy and stiff. This is another one of those amazing survival defense mechanisms that when the body detects that the heart is not working hard enough oxygenating the entire system, an alert is sounded and baby wakes. When baby wakes (and especially cries) the heart is thrown into overdrive rushing blood to all of the extremities and baby takes deep restorative breaths. Ahhh nature, our babies are so smart. Infant massage is extremely handy here. Strokes that move away from the body’s core pull blood to the extremities and slow the heart rate, creating optimal conditions for sleep.

Another common cause of night waking is a restricted airway. Babies are not born with fully formed sinuses. They are born with a cluster of predestined cells that are not even detectable by x-ray. The sinuses are the honeycomb structure that process and store mucus. Even normal, healthy amounts of mucus or especially if congested, babies struggle to breath, especially since they can only breath through their nose. If they are congested or any kind of airway blockage occurs they lack the ability to manually alternate between nasal and oral breathing, so they wake. That is glorious evolution, working its magic protective forces to keep your baby alive. If the oxygen levels in his brain dip too low, the alert is sounded and he wakes, once again, frequently crying to rapidly re-oxygenate. They also frequently awake with flailing arms when this particular alert is sounded, attempting to remove any external blockage of their airway. Infant massage over the face and chest, a warm bath, breastmilk, incline (roll up a blanket and place it under the head of baby’s sleeping surface) and a humidifier can all help to stave off the mucus bug.

Lastly, babies just have shorter sleep cycles. They cycle through active and quiet sleep states about every 30 minutes. These shorter sleep cycles leave your baby susceptible to waking as they transition between states. It is believed to be a protective mechanism to wake up their systems and make sure they keep firing (breathing, pumping, digesting, etc.). This is an especially protective mechanism against SIDS. This is where it is important to emphasis “restful nighttime” over “sleeping through the night.” You would rather have a baby whose brain is sensitive than had a baby whose brain wasn't sensitive enough. Swaddling, white noise (waves, whales, womb, etc), and belly to back can all be helpful during this transition. If your baby is waking, or wakes during the transition from you to the sleeping surface, you can lay them on their belly, while you are there watching. Then after they have settled in and fallen into that next sleep state, you can gently roll them to their backs.

So what’s a new family to do? Well the first step in creating a peaceful night for your family is to change the goal for nighttime from sleeping through the night to HARMONY. Nighttime harmony is priceless. It is the experience of being peacefully in sync with your baby throughout the night. It is the difference between fighting against your baby in a battle for sleep and being connected with your baby for the mutual goal of rest.

The primary tenant of nighttime harmony is to do what feels right for you and baby. Listen to your innate wisdom as a parent. Tune in to your baby and do what feels right. This could take some soul searching. It involves examining your preconceived notions of what should be. Reach inside and pull out all your assumptions. Where did they come from? Try them on. Does it feel like a good fit? Look into the eyes of your baby and tap into that maternal wisdom. If it feels right, keep it. Integrate it into your new idea of nighttime with your baby. If it doesn’t feel quite right, toss it. You can respect the people who give you advice while at the same time recognizing that their advice doesn’t fit your baby or your family.

Let’s start with the ‘where’ of sleeping arrangements with baby. That image of the perfectly decorated nursery is a nice one but when it comes to actually sleeping, you have to be a little creative, open-minded, and accepting of whatever arrangement gives everyone the most sleep. Co-sleeping is something that most mothers come to unintentionally, out of a desperate need for more sleep. After waking up, walking down the hall, picking up baby, nursing while sitting up in the rocking chair, and putting baby back to bed you think, “I’ll just pick him up and bring him to my bed and nurse him there. That way I can lie down.” You fall asleep nursing and realize, “Oh my god, I CosleepingBreastfeeding just slept 4 hours!” The reason co-sleeping works so well is because baby is getting all the things that make him thrive: skin-to-skin contact, milk, mom’s breathing regulates his own, mom’s heartbeat is a soothing reminder of the womb, and mom’s chest even regulates baby’s temperature. And while baby is in heaven, so is mom. You do your job of meeting your baby’s needs while lying and resting effortlessly in bed- talk about harmony. Breastfeeding in bed requires some new positions but they are totally worth mastering. The side-laying position is the classic co-sleeping arrangement. Lay on your side (you can put a pillow behind your back) and lay baby on his side, mouth to nipple. You can rest his head on your arm or not. Dads are sometimes unsure of how they will fair in this arrangement. Assure your partner that a happy, rested mama means a happier wife. Some dads end up spending the first month or so on the couch (my husband made a bed on the floor next to us) but a new baby takes work and sacrifice from both parents. Dad has to do his part too. As far as sex goes (while this is certainly not the priority immediately post baby), be creative! The bed is not the only place for erotic fun. Don’t worry, your baby will NOT want to sleep with you forever (despite what some advice-givers will tell you).

Research shows that when mom’s co-sleep with baby, they are so sharply attuned to baby that amazing things happen. If baby moves his head back, mom moves her head forward. If baby scoots down, mom scoots down. This is called molding. It is actually an amazing testament to the connection between mom and baby. Mothers accommodate baby’s position all night long. And the slightest wiggle or disturbance on the part of the baby results in a hovering, awake mother. This is not true however, of fathers. Since fathers don’t get to spend 9 months tuning in to baby, they are not attuned to baby while sleeping in this special way. That’s why baby should sleep next to mom. This attentive attunement is also not present if mom has had any alcohol, drugs, or medication. Research also tells us that breastfeeding moms are especially tuned in to baby and this special relationship acts as a major protective force while co-sleeping.

You should know that research absolutely supports the safety of co-sleeping (refer to Attachment Parenting International, Dr. Sears, Dr. James McKenna). That said there are some guidelines to maximize the safety of this sleeping arrangement.

Breastfeed
No big comforters pulled up near baby.
Make sure there is some kind of a bed rail or place the mattress on the floor to prevent the baby from falling off the bed.
No siblings in bed with baby.
Baby sleeps next to mom.
No co-sleeping if mom or dad has consumed any alcohol, drugs, or medication of any kind.
Put baby to sleep on their back.

To co-sleep actually means to sleep in close proximity with baby. What I described above is technically referred to as bed-sharing. But co-sleeping can take other forms. Consider using a co-sleeper. You can buy a “co-sleeper” or side-car your crib to accomplish the same goal. Assemble the crib in toddler bed mode (remove the front rail and attach the small support), raise the crib mattress to the same height as your mattress, and push the crib right up against your bed. It is like an extension of your sleeping surface. Baby will have her own designated space but be within arm’s reach. This means you can hear every breath and all you have to do is open your eyes to see her little chest moving up and down. You can pull her close for nursing and slide her back over to sleep. Personally, this arrangement is ideal for me. I find that this provides the perfect balance whereby I can get the best sleep. If baby is in a different room I can’t sleep. I worry about him and have to get up constantly to meet their needs. If baby is in my bed all night, I feel like I am “on the clock” and have trouble reaching the deepest stages of sleep. But with baby co-sleeping right next to me I can lay right next to him, nose to nose, all night long, pulling him over for breastfeeding periods and sliding him back when I want some serious sleep. I encourage you to find the arrangement that works best for you. Every baby is different. Every mother is different. Every family is different. Do what works best for you and your baby.

How do you get baby to sleep to begin with? Start by winding baby down with a nighttime routine. Incorporating a bath and massage is a great way to wind down for the night. Try to stick with the same routine every night but do what works best for you baby and your family and be flexible with phases, issues, or changing needs. Try swaddling. Some babies find peace in being tightly wrapped, mimicking the feeling inside the womb. Wearing down baby in a sling is a great way to ease baby to sleep. Babywearing incorporates swaddling and mimics the womb, provides rocking, skin-to-skin contact, baby is soothed by the sound of your heartbeat and the boom of your voice. Breastfeed while babywearing to release all those feel good hormones and fill baby’s tummy for a long stretch of sleep. Vacuum the house to add white noise and that pretty much utilizes the full arsenal. It is good to have a nighttime “time” to keep in mind in your nighttime routine. This time should not be a strict bedtime as you might have with an older child but a general guideline for putting the world to sleep: turn off the lights, don’t speak using high-pitch tones, no more games or playful engagement. Embrace the transition and send the message that the daytime has ended and nighttime is here.

You may find yourself months into a consistent nighttime routine that includes hours of uninterrupted sleeping bliss and then all of a sudden, your little one is awake for 2 hours at 2:00am. Do not be alarmed. You did not break your baby. It is perfectly normal for babies to change their night life during developmental or physical growth spurts or changes in family life. For example, if your little adventurer is right on the cusp of crawling, he may wake every night for a couple of weeks to spend an hour working on this skill. When they are mastering a new skill or exploring a new understanding, they tend to devote all of their resources (time, energy, attention) to it- and nighttime is no exception. Teething, a new level of understanding regarding strangers, hunger brought on by a growth spurt are all examples of developmental milestones that may result in a disruption of your nighttime routine. Mom going back to work is a common culprit of nighttime unrest. If your little one can’t bond with you during the day, he will adapt and try to meet those bonding needs at night. Trust in your baby. If they need some extra reassurance that you are present and keeping them safe at night- give it to them. If they need to spend an hour working out at the crib gym- let them. Keep nighttime as “night” time but trust that they are trying to meet a need, even if you don’t know what that need is. If you meet their needs they will move through the phase and come out on the other side a happy little sleeper once again.

While always being able to meet all the needs of your baby is ideal, parents are human beings. We need sleep. If the goal is to be the best parent you can be, then sleep for you is going to need to be in that equation. It is hard to balance the needs of your baby with your needs. This will be a balance you will work on daily for the rest of your life. Especially if you have a high needs baby, you have to give yourself permission to get the fuel you need to keep taking good care of that baby. Sometimes this might mean calling daddy up from the batter’s box (giving daddy and baby time to establish their connection is good for both daddy and baby), giving a trusted family member a shift, or leaving baby in the crib. I am not a fan of scheduling babies (because what that usually really means is putting baby on your schedule) but there are some situations when a schedule is what’s best for baby and family. One example of this is with multiples. To ensure every baby gets all the milk and sleep they need, schedules are sometimes necessary. Doing what’s best for your baby and your family is the moral of this story. Sometimes doing what’s best for you is what’s best for baby in the long run.

Misconceptions about babies and sleep:

If you don’t put baby to bed while he is still awake, he will never learn to fall asleep on his own. The logic behind this is that if you put baby to sleep while he is still awake, he will learn to self-soothe. This idea came out of the big push for independence on the wave of “cry it out.” Babies are dependent- they’re supposed to be! If you look at the entire lifespan of a human being, they only need you for such a short period of time. If you allow them to be dependent while it’s appropriate, they will establish security and feel safe and confident enough to be independent. Developmental psychologists throughout history agree that the first task of infancy is establishing trust in caregivers and the world. Once this is firmly established they can move into establishing independence.

If you pick up a baby when she is crying, you are teaching her to cry. The logic behind this is that you are rewarding the behavior thereby reinforcing it. This is taken from a very basic principle of learning psychology first studied with lab rats and frequently used with dogs. Babies are not dogs. As much as you may love your pet- it is not the same. There are far more dynamics at play with a baby than a simple behavior/reward model covers. Research has shown us that the opposite is actually true. The “cry it out” method unfolds like this: baby communicates a need --> no response --> baby cries --> no response --> baby eventually gives up and learns that they their communication is not effective, caregivers are not there for them, their needs may not be met, and the world is not a safe place --> baby stops crying. Now try this on for size: baby communicates a need --> caregiver responds sensitively (in an appropriate and timely manner) --> baby learns that communication is effective, caregivers are present and attentive, needs will be met, the world is a safe place --> baby does not need to cry.

Co-sleeping increases the risk of SIDS. Research shows that the opposite is true. When babies sleep next to an attached caregiver there are several factors at play working to protect babies against SIDS.

Mother is tuned into baby for signs of distress.
Baby mirrors mother’s steady and rhythmic breathing (“reminds” baby to breath).
Baby mirrors mother’s steady and rhythmic heart rate.
The sucking from frequent breastfeeding increases brain activity and fluid production, increases the flow and efficiency of all baby’s systems.
Skin-to-skin contact increases the level of feel-good hormones and decreases the level of stress hormones.
Mother’s chest actually regulates baby’s temperature. If baby’s temperature rises, mother’s temperature lowers. If baby’s temperature lowers, mother’s temperature raises and she expels heat from her chest to warm baby.

Once you bring a baby into your bed, you will never get them out. Ridiculous. As discussed above, a baby is dependent as an infant. Allow them a time of dependence! You will not have a 30-year-old in your bed. The more you give them what they need to feel secure as infants, the more safe, secure, and confident they will feel to be more independent than their prematurely pushed counterparts. If you are worried about it, you can use a transitional strategy. Baby sleeps with you while they are breastfeeding during the night. You can then put their bed right next to yours (like an extension of your bed). You can then move their bed to the foot of your bed. Lastly, move their bed into their room. Include them in the process of selecting a bed and bedding and make it fun and positive. On a personal note, my first born son slept in our room when he was a baby. Even after he was done breastfeeding at night, my husband and I liked him in our room. Since he worked all day, he valued the closeness having him with us at night provided. As his second birthday approached, we asked him what he wanted and he said, “A big boy bed!” We provided him with security and allowed him to take the lead in establishing his independence. We now have a son full of love, trust, inner peace, and independence.

Babies need a strict bed time. I am an advocate of teaching your children to listen to their bodies. Babies are born with an amazing mind-body connection. If nothing else, they know when they are hungry and tired. Strictly scheduling babies can disrupt this connection. Instead of telling your child to clean their plate, ask them to close their eyes and listen to their tummies. “Is your body telling you you are hungry?” The same is true for sleep. As children get older nighttime can become a power struggle between parent and child. Instead, encourage children to listen to their bodies, hear the signs of sleepiness, and respect them. Have a good nighttime routine and keep moving in the direction of bed (upstairs, bathroom, bedroom, bed, etc.). Try sending the message that the world is going to sleep: go outside to see the darkness, say good night to the sun, hello to the moon and stars, turn off the lights, turn down your voices, take a bath, have a massage, go to bed, read some stories, night-night.

Personal Anecdote:
After the birth of my first son I was trying to be the best mom I could be. I was trying to do what everyone was telling me was right and one night found myself sitting on the edge of my bed, sobbing, clinging to the monitor, listening to my baby crying in the next room. My husband walked over and very nonchalantly said, “If he wants you to hold him, and you want to hold him, why don’t you hold him?” And there it was. My world was never the same. I threw the monitor, ran into his room, scooped him up, and never again put him down. He didn’t just say the words he truly meant them, through and through. My husband, listening to his innate wisdom as a father, provided me with the key I needed to unlock all of my internal wisdom and empower my maternal voice. I am forever grateful to my partner, spouse, co-parent, and best friend for setting me on the path toward reaching my potential as a mother, family therapist, and human being.

Want more? I recommend The Baby Sleep Book by Dr. Sears. If you are looking for more specific strategies for solving specific sleep challenges, you may try The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley.

Sleep- Bonding

If you want to maximize the amount of sleep that is healthy for your baby click here and send him off to a Soothing Slumber with infant massage strokes for nighttime in the Soothing Slumber Video!

Soothing Slumber Video
Infant Massage for Nighttime

Learn all the strokes you need to soothe your baby into a deeper and longer sleep while also gaining knowledge about:

Sleep arrangements
Safe sleep
Why babies wake during the night
Strategies you can use to maximize the amount of sleep that’s healthy for your baby

Incorporate the Soothing Slumber nighttime massage into your bedtime routine and slow baby’s heart rate, regulate breathing, increase circulation, warm hands and feet, balance hormone levels, and give baby a lasting dose of skin-to-skin contact and bonding, sending your baby off to a peaceful slumber.

In this special video class, you can learn the material from the Soothing Slumber class in the comfort of your home, on your schedule, and from any geographic location around the world. This video features instruction on nighttime parenting material interwoven with verbal description and visual demonstration of all of the Soothing Slumber strokes, including in-class footage.

Includes 18-page Nighttime Parenting Booklet:

Stroke Handouts
Nighttime Parenting Material
Nighttime Harmony Article
Worksheet

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